About that village…

We hear the expression all of the time: “It takes a village [to raise children].” Hillary Rodham Clinton wrote a book, released in 1996 with that title which seems to have increased the familiarity with the proverb in the United States. What does this expression mean? What is it getting at? The origins of the expression are rooted in the life of tribal African communities where there is a very strong sense of responsibility for the members of that community.

Specifically, the expression or proverb has origins in Nigeria. Candace Osmond writes in piece for Grammarist, “It’s said to have originated from the Nigerian Igbo culture and proverb Oran a azu nwa,which loosely translates to it takes the community/village to raise a child. You can actually find the saying used in several cultures and dialects, and it holds the same intent across them all—from Lunyoro, Kihaya, Kijita and Swahili!”. It Takes a Village - Idiom, Meaning & Origin

In modern day America, where the sense of and quest for independence propels people farther away from their parents and extended family than used to be the case 50 years ago, it can be very challenging to find that community or village. It can take work, at a time when you have stepped on to the swiftly moving and very steep treadmill of new parenthood.

In my own experience, it took a while to find “my” people. Those were some long, early postpartum months before I connected with a group of great women (and their babies). I did try. I went to what felt like every area library, sitting through story times that my 3-4-5 month old baby could have not cared any less about. I said hello to people, trying to make what felt like a gargantuan effort to connect. It sometimes felt hopeless.

I’ll never forget the day in April 2009, when I had planned to go to the Saratoga Springs public library for their baby story/play time. I went. I got there; still tentatively managing going out with my 6 month old baby and trying to be prepared for lots of scenarios (diaper blow out, hunger, him being tired, etc.). I walked into the room and took a scan. There were probably ten or eleven moms with their babies, in small clusters. I took a deep breath. I set the diaper bag down and decided to walk up to a couple of women who were sitting with their babies. I said hello and stated my truth which was that I was trying to meet other new moms. They were friendly but I felt very much like they weren’t interested in looping me into their friendship. I felt like I was in middle school: not included and even rejected. The stakes felt high for me. I was desperate for some social connection and knew this was how I had to make it happen. I somehow ended the conversation, maybe using my baby as an excuse to move away; I don’t remember. I went towards a little indoor play structure where there lots of moms and their babies, in various stages of development - standing, holding on, crawling around, and even walking. I exchanged smiles with a woman whose baby was holding on to her fingers as he was sort of walking around. She had black leather pants on and a red cashmere sweater. This was quite notable to me because I had barely been able to get myself and my baby out the door in those first six months, and here was a woman wearing leather pants? And a cashmere sweater? I couldn’t even make sense of this! Who dresses like this to go to a baby story time?! She flashed me a smile however and said, “oh your baby is so cute! How old is he?” and with that quick, friendly comment, my world changed. She opened the door for us to start chatting (which came easily) and by the end, she mentioned that some women she knew were starting a mom’s group and did I want to join in? Many years later, before she moved away from the area, I was able to write her a note to say how impactful that conversation had been for the trajectory of my postpartum experience. The group she brought me into became a lifeline and a weekly reason to get out and meet up. I would venture to add that this mom’s group even brought out the best in me, as a fellow mom (starting up a grass roots summer camp for all of us to entertain our preschoolers and ourselves!). While I’m not still in regular touch with everyone, I am in frequent touch with a few women from that group and to have a friendship bond from early motherhood has been incredibly powerful.

While having a village to help raise your child is a lofty goal - one that is fairly challenging in our modern society - seeking out community and building a circle of people to support you on the journey is most definitely invaluable. Don’t give up the effort!